New MAHA Mountain Dew Flavors Help Ditch Disease
A lack of yellow dye doesn't mean you can't do the Dew.
By Steven Cleamer- 11.17.2024
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With new management coming to the Department of Health and Human Services, the war against Big Food and Big Pharma is officially underway—and first on the chopping block is high-fructose corn syrup coupled with Yellow No. 5, the key ingredients to one of America's most beloved soft drinks: Mountain Dew.
For decades, Mountain Dew has been the brute force behind lonely nights and high scores, fueling gamers, coders, and animated tentacle enthusiasts alike. It's the drink that turned patchy beards, backward spinal curves, and insulin resistance into a cultural phenomenon. As lifelong fans, we're not about to let it fade away, but help it evolve into a bold, new era.
Get ready for Mental Discharge MAHA Editions*: a fearless lineup of flavors that break all the rules, proving you can ditch the dyes and chronic inflammation without losing the edge. It's as much a wild ride as RFK Jr.'s real-life adventures battling polluted rivers, rescuing beached whale heads, and wrestling bears (into the back of a van). Each sip is a tale of transformation in a new world of clean ingredients and unapologetic flavor. After all, it's Dew or die.
Keto Krush
Tired of carb crashes and manboobs that sweat more than a doctor sitting next to Joe Rogan? Ditch the sugary sludge other drinks pump you full of and reach for Keto Krush—the only DEW powered by saturated fat, grass-finished protein, and a dash of mountain air (legal disclaimer: not real mountain air). You won't even remember your inflammatory bowel disease and diabetic neuropathy. Packed with BHB, our killer keto formula keeps your system running as clean as Dr. Berg's whiteboard and your energy as strong as his charm.
Ahab's Revenge
Prepare yourself for the most monstrous flavor ever to set sail in a can—Ahab's Revenge. This brew will harpoon your taste buds with a tidal wave of briny citrus, salty vengeance, and a splash of insanity. Crafted for those who crave the thrill of taking the head off a whale with a chainsaw, strapping it to the roof of a minivan with bungee cords, and driving it home like a used mattress. It's the fuel Captain Ahab himself would chug before laying waste to the stock portfolio of the Pharmaceutical industry.
AvocaDEW
Stop chugging drinks laced with sinister seed oils by Big Food and their evil minions. Say hello to AvocaDEW—the first-ever DEW that's literally just a can of pure, unadulterated avocado oil. No sugar. No caffeine. No nonsense. Just the smooth, buttery essence of a thousand avocados lovingly squeezed into liquid gold.
Why hydrate when you can lubricate? Give your body the healthy fats it craves; it's perfect for paleo purists and anyone brave enough to say, "No thanks, I already drank my salad."
Beary Blast
Introducing Beary Blast, the DEW that roars with a hard punch. It's so strong, it's got a backstory darker than a den at midnight. Forget your average fruity fizz—this one's inspired by the legendary journey of one very unlucky bear. Killed on impact by a car. Recovered by the van behind it. Tossed into the back like yesterday's laundry. Forgotten for an entire day. And finally, unceremoniously dumped in a city park among the chaos of NYC's concrete jungle.
It's a drink that hits harder than a Toyota hits a bear. Each swig bursts with the bittersweet tang of realizing nature's majestic beast deserved better.
Mud Monster
Craving chocolatey goodness, but want to keep your teeth? Satisfy it with Mud Monster, the rich, indulgent DEW with enough xylitol to launch you into the stratosphere—and straight to the nearest restroom. We don't even bother using corn syrup or sugar; it's got a sweetener so "natural" your digestive system won't know what hit it. Every ounce delivers a rush of creamy cocoa flavor and a not-so-subtle warning to clear your schedule. It's a taste volcano ready to explode—not unlike your colon about twenty minutes later.
Salty Tears
Quench your thirst with the raw power of Salty Tears, the DEW made entirely from the melodramatic cries of grown adults losing their minds. Packed with electrolytes sourced straight from the wet cheeks of celebrities moving to Europe, X users jumping ship for Bluesky, and FDA employees updating their resumes, this is hydration powered by humanity's pettiest meltdowns.
Every can delivers a salty smack from crybaby cucks, paired with the electrolytic boost your body needs to laugh at them while they cope and seethe. It's refreshing, it's ridiculous, and it's proof that whining really can be useful.
*It should go without saying, but has to be said anyway, that this is a parody and not endorsed or sponsored by the fine folks over at Mountain Dew.
