How to Excise Microsoft From of Your Colon Quickly and Painlessly

1 Go to your account settings and turn that shit off.

Go to Settings > Accounts > Your info and click "Sign in with a local account instead."

2 Enter a user name and enjoy a local account like it's 1995.

Windows may bitch and complain that a local account is for losers. Don't give into the hate. Punch in whatever password or PIN you originally set, confirm your user name, click the "Next" button, and let Windows restart your machine.

1 Let's connect you to a command prompt.

When Windows demands you to connect to the internet and tries to gaslight you into sharing your life story with Microsoft, don't. Don't plug in an ethernet cable and definitely don't connect to a Wi-Fi network. Instead, press SHIFT-F10 (or SHIFT-FN-F10) on your keyboard to launch a command prompt.

2 Punch in the following command like a l33t hax0r.

From the command prompt, type in start ms-cxh:localonly and press Enter to launch a window allowing you to set up a local account and bypass Microsoft's demand to take a seat on that odd-smelling leather couch next to the door.

3 Make Jennifer Aniston and the ghost of Matthew Perry proud.

Enter your user name and an optional password, circumventing Microsoft's giant, unlubricated colonoscope. Windows Setup will continue to install and you can connect to the internet once you're at the desktop.

1 Fire up AppBuster.

Download AppBuster, navigate to whatever folder you keep your downloads in, and double-click on OOAPB. A User Account Control window will appear, asking if you're sure you want to allow an app to run that lets you remove a parasitic collection of preinstalled trash from your machine. Yes, you absolutely do.

2 Select all the useless Windows apps to remove.

Once AppBuster has displayed the entire list of installed apps, click on the Edit menu and select "Select all Windows Apps." This will automatically check all of the spyware, bloatware, and apps infested with AI included with Windows. It won't pick anything outside of the Microsoft metaverse, so you might want to also select some of the extra junk that came from the device manufacturer. Browse the list and add anything else you want removed.

Here are some considerations for a few items to keep:

Of course, if you come across an app you installed yourself or you see something you don't want to get rid of, don't check it. You don't have to remove everything just because I said so. I ain't your pappy.

3 Click the Remove button.

Once you've selected all the apps you want deported, click the Remove button towards the top of the window.

4 Choose how final the solution should be.

AppBuster will now ask you how you'd like these items removed. I recommend leaving "Current User" selected. After clicking "Yes" to confirm, you can choose to create a Restore Point in case things go awry, then watch the magic happen as AppBuster goes through and gives Windows a much-needed enema.

You can select "Computer" if you'd like, but each individual app will spit out an error and return you to the app list. The app does actually get removed, but you'll have to repeat this process each time and it can become tedious.

Most Windows apps will silently uninstall, meaning you can sit back and relax as they shed their digital coil. However, some apps may launch prompts that need additional confirmation or guilt-trip you into letting them stay. Click the appropriate buttons to facilitate their removal.

Double check to make sure everything was removed as stragglers can sometimes be left behind. Apps such as OneDrive and Microsoft 365 may need to be selected for annihilation again, despite AppBuster saying everything was removed successfully. Apps that don't cooperate being removed en masse can be taken care of the old-fashioned way through Settings.

Once you're finished, you can close AppBuster.

To remove apps that don't want to cooperate with AppBuster, go to Settings > Apps > Installed Apps and scroll down the list to the app you want to uninstall. Click the three little dots on the far right, select "Uninstall," and boom! Bob's your creepy uncle we don't talk about at dinner.

Getting rid of advertisement apps is even easier. Open up your Start Menu, right-mouse click on either a pinned icon or one inside the entire app list, select "Uninstall," and boom! Bob's your creepy uncle who forgot to check-in with his parole officer.

1 Fire up ShutUp10++.

Nab ShutUp10++, open up your downloads folder, and double-click on OOSU10. Another User Account Control window will pop up to cockblock you, asking if you want to make changes to your computer. You're goddamn right you do.

2 Turn every single thing off. Yes, everything.

We'll loosen the reins here in a moment, but start off by disabling everything. All of it. Go to the Actions menu and select "Apply all settings." This will turn every switch green which means its corresponding feature is disabled. This will stop Copilot, usage and search habits getting sent to Microsoft, the Start Menu being used as a Bing search, suggestions for things you didn't ask for, tracking of God knows what, feedback nonsense, notification spam, connected experiences, input personalization, and any other paranoid sociopathic tendencies Windows has. You'll be prompted by ShutUp10++ if you'd like to set a Restore Point just in case shit hits the fan.

3 Turn a few key things back on.

Now, you don't actually want every single option here disabled. The reason we toggled it all at once is to save time not having to click a bazillion switches. Yeah, that's how much spying Windows actually does. Here's a list of features you should turn back on (which is red, actually) and why:

It certainly doesn't hurt to go through all the various settings and see if there's something you might want enabled (green), but almost none of these are necessary to enjoy a clean, non-invasive Windows environment. Most toggled switches actuate changes instantly, but some will require a restart.

4 Remove any remaining Copilot leftovers.

Last, but certainly not least, you'll want to make sure any remaining Copilot remnants are truly gone, such as Recall, a feature that allows searching through past activity by letting AI literally watch you use your computer. Click the Copilot tab at the top of the window to show additional removal tools to eliminate any last bit of Microsoft's desperate attempt to violate your privacy. Whatever buttons remain visible should be clicked to put the final nail in the coffin.

You're done here. ShutUp10++ will likely prompt you to restart when you close it.

1 Fire up Revo Uninstaller.

Snag Revo Uninstaller, extract the zip into your downloads folder, double-click on the RevoUninstaller_Portable folder it creates, then double-click on RevoUPort. User Account Control will pop up to white knight Windows as you're about to deal the killing blow. Yes, you son of a bitch, I'm sure.

2 Select Microsoft Edge, then start laughing manically.

Revo Uninstaller will display a list of apps not unlike AppBuster, but we're only here for Microsoft Edge. It should be easy to find considering how nice and clean the machine is at this point. Don a confident, smug look on your face as you double-click it.

3 Be sure that you're sure. I'm sure. Are you sure?

You'll be warned that removing Edge may cause some Windows features or other software to not work correctly, but you've run out of fucks to give. Click "OK" to be presented with another screen that'll give you the option to create a Restore Point before you continue.

4 Select how deep you want to go.

Revo Uninstaller will give you three choices on how to proceed. This determines how deep you want it to go in removing anything that survives the initial uninstall. Since Edge doesn't have a true, actual uninstaller, registry entries and file locations will be targeted immediately. Moderate is fine and already selected, but you can go Advanced if you like. Click "Scan" to begin the hunt.

5 Delete all of Edge's registry entries.

The next screen will show the resulting registry entries associated with Edge that can be deleted. These are what embed Edge into Windows, not unlike a gut organism after a week of Indian street food. Click "Select All" if the entries aren't already selected, then click "Delete" to proceed. Once the registry items are wiped from existence, Revo Uninstaller will take you to the last step. Clicking "Next" shouldn't be necessary here.

6 Delete all of Edge's files.

The last stop on this magical journey is a laundry list of the files associated with Edge. Again, click "Select All" if the files aren't already selected, then click "Delete" to remove the files. Don't fret if you still see some listed as these will require a reboot to get fully removed. Click "Finish," close Revo Uninstaller, restart your machine, and they'll be dealt with quietly and efficiently.

Congratulations! You've successfully removed Microsoft Edge! Suck it, Satya.

1 Turn off Windows Spotlight. You can spotlight deez nuts. Gottem.

Go to Settings > Personalization > Background and select "Picture" from the menu on the right under the "Personalize your background" section. Select one of the goofy stock Windows backgrounds or really stick it to the man by grabbing a waifu from a wallpaper site.