She-Hulk Proves That in the Marvel Universe, Men Are the Enemy

Marvel's latest streaming television series, She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, has debuted its first episode on Disney+ and explores the adventures of Jennifer Walters, an attorney at a law firm representing those with extraordinary abilities aptly referred to as superhumans. Her life is turned upside down following a car accident while riding with her cousin, Bruce Banner, when she gets infected with his Hulk blood and becomes one herself.

I know absolutely nothing about comic books, nor much about The Hulk beyond a vague, distant memory of the late '70s show featuring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. My understanding is extremely rudimentary: Bruce Banner is some scientist geek who turns big, green, and ugly when someone tries to stuff him into a locker. I know even less about She-Hulk.

This put me in a unique position of wading into the shitstorm of scathing reviews from hardcore Marvel fans who have been tearing the show apart. Armed with only lackluster knowledge of the wider universe and the fact that I once saw a vagina, I decided to watch this supposed disaster to offer an unbiased opinion that isn't compromised by total nerd rage.

She-Hulk's premiere episode begins with Jennifer rehearsing the closing argument for a case she's been working on as Deputy District Attorney. Her office is decorated with various knick-knacks bearing messages and symbols celebrating strong, confident women. After finishing her monologue in front of two colleagues, she is immediately praised by the annoying, bootlicking female and inexplicably berated by the unprofessional male buffoon. The scene lasts less than two minutes, but I already have a pretty good idea of where things are going.

The episode then jumps back several months to show how Jennifer is handling being a Hulk. Both she and Bruce are holed up in a secluded jungle paradise, complete with a kickass beach bar and state-of-the-art secret laboratory, where his goal is to teach her the unforgiving realities of her new abilities.

Jennifer resists learning anything, proving defiant and belligerent while repeatedly one-upping the man who needed years of careful, nuanced training to get his condition under control. She quickly discovers she can skip most of the process because her case isn't as severe, reinforcing an attitude that is already unappreciative, impatient, and arrogant as she grows increasingly desperate to return to her old life. I wasn't even halfway through the episode before I started praying for Bruce to accidentally snap her neck and put us both out of our miseries.

Jennifer's uninspiring journey from average person to Hulk is rife with posturing, whining, and complaining about how horrible men are. She is never truly challenged while under her cousin's wing, already able to match or outperform his skills despite being a quarter of his size and having none of his experience. She insults Bruce at every turn, bitching about how awful it is that men flirt with her and question her credentials. Her protests are nothing short of ridiculous as the show doesn't concede she's ever had a moment in her professional life that was actually professional.

Even more ridiculous is a scene in which Jennifer discreetly slips into a bar restroom after the car accident, marking the beginning of her evolution from daily sexual harassment victim to She-Hulk. Sporting superficial injuries and tattered clothes stained with blood, she endeavors to clean herself up, but is interrupted by a gaggle of whores who suddenly burst through the door. Under the immediate assumption that a man has physically abused her, they initiate a complete makeover before quickly vanishing. It's an absurd plot device that serves only to attract the attention of a group of troublesome drunkards outside of the bar, driving the message home that men are the enemy.

These are the musings of a bitter, angry, insufferable woman and it becomes tiresome quickly. I can only guess this stems from the frustration of writer and director Jessica Gao being constantly swiped left her entire life. I'm sorry you were severely beaten with an ugly stick, lady, but don't take it out on me.

The episode returns to the present for its conclusion, with Jennifer back in court and ready to deliver her final remarks when Jameela "I Broke My Asshole" Jamil suddenly busts into the courtroom through a concrete wall like the Kool-Aid Man. Nobody knows who she is or what she wants, but with trained police officers taking cover alongside the other members of the court, it's up to Jennifer to activate She-Hulk and save the day.

Jameela "I Busted an O-Ring" Jamil and She-Hulk battle it out by tossing a desk back and forth between Bruce Lee-style antics, but She-Hulk's unexplained Mike Tyson Punch-Out skills bring the rushed contest to an end in less than a minute. Jameela "You Bet Your Sweet Aspercreme" Jamil is arrested, and just like that, the show is over. I wasn't quite sure what left me in greater awe: the abrupt end to such a ridiculous fight or the fact that it looked like it had been rendered on a PlayStation 3.

In the roughly 30-minute timespan of the first episode, I didn't really learn anything about Jennifer Walters. I didn't get a hint at why she's an attorney, what her proficiencies are with the law, what the importance is of her current case, or why I should care. I didn't learn much about Bruce Banner outside of common knowledge and snippets that require being caught up on dozens of hours of Marvel movies. I didn't learn how Jennifer overcame the challenges of being a Hulk that Bruce desperately tried to warn her about or how she gained the courage to fight a flying, martial arts guru with massive tits who decided to wake up one the morning and dress like Willie Dynamite.

What I did learn is that Jennifer Walters is an ungrateful shrew, written by women who are likely the same, and that every single man in the Marvel universe is an asshole. The episode limped along on laughably bad dialogue, offered almost nothing resembling a meaningful plot or worthwhile background story, and somehow failed to produce a single character I wouldn't mind Thanos snapping into dust. The only thing it did accomplish was making it clear that I'm a horrible human being because I was born with a dick.

I'm with the nerds on this one. This show is awful.