There Is an Epidemic of TV Hosts Who Are Complete Pussies

Never have I seen such an embarrassment to masculinity than late-night TV hosts hitting the airwaves for an evening of incessant whining about the 2024 Presidential Election. Jimmy Fallon looked like he wanted to wrap a noose around his neck and step off a chair, Stephen Colbert used every ounce of strength to hold back tears, and Jimmy Kimmel decided to go completely off the deep end. These establishment shills were so devastated to learn of their defeat in a relentless campaign of bad jokes and propaganda that I expected at least one of them to self-immolate on stage.

Hosts of the last century were made of sterner stuff. Johnny Carson wasn't a pansy who put avocado on his toast or needed help opening jars. He served in the Navy with a diet that included more salt water than soup. By the end of World War II, he was practically forged from the same material as the U.S.S. Pennsylvania and the former Tonight Show host would rather have been captured by Nazis than sob in front of a single American over the political tides of his country.

The artifice of modern popular culture has replaced such icons with a new breed of celebrity; weak bedwetters who have built empires out of their own existential crises. Much of it is owed to a political figure whose inane controversies not only helped shape their careers, but kept them relevant far beyond their expiration date. Their traumatized demeanor and teary-eyed faces are fed into millions of homes every night, serving as a grim reminder that the era of stoic, punch-taking, second-helping-asking-for tough guys has faded faster than a Diddy playlist at a strip club.

Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon had the least amount of distress following the election, but still offered a blank gaze not unlike reading test results showing a questionably treatable form of colon cancer. His low energy barely rendered a smile on his face or an applause from the audience. He was witless and boring, looking as defeated as an ex-husband who's enlarged prostate no longer dignifies him with a working erection. Beneath the surface, he's well aware that life will go on, but NBC still keeps him on a tight leash as punishment for combing through the orange man's hair.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert fared worse, playing the role of a condescending advocate for intervention. He was as dramatic as an episode of Days of Our Lives, projecting his misery and anguish onto every poor sap sitting in the Ed Sullivan theater. As a 60-year-old man who can still comfortably fit inside a high school locker, it was comical to watch him grovel for sympathy from a crowd more programmed than a sprinkler system. Instead of his usual recipe of monotonous tirades, he retreated to protestations of gratitude for helming a television show he's managed to run into the ground.

Jimmy Kimmel

Finally, we have blubbering idiot Jimmy Kimmel who wept uncontrollably at the end of civilization as we know it. He was heartbroken by the democratic process; his eyes swollen like a child suffocating from a peanut allergy. Just a few years back, he was ready to send anyone who dared question the holy decrees of Pfizer to a gulag for the unvaccinated. Fast forward to today and he's Mel Gibson wearing blue face screaming about the tenets of freedom.

It didn't seem that long ago that Kimmel was paying whores on camera to fish actual junk out of his pants or kneeling behind a woman as he mocked burying his tongue inside her fart factory. He was an almost relatable beer-drinking slob who ironically loved grabbing them by the pussy, but has since traded in his man card to do the bidding of pedophiles moonlighting as network executives.

Johnny Carson and his ilk from the golden age of television were cut from a different cloth—tough, witty, and composed. These hosts thrived in an era where late-night TV was more punchlines than preaching, where sniveling would've easily ended a career. Resilience was a brand never to be compromised, let alone sacrificed for a corrupt machine that has reduced once-respectable men down to complete pussies.