Anal Beads are for Fat, Lazy, Stupid People

It's become a startling fact that people these days are too lazy to regard sex with even the slightest bit of effort. Toys, aids, and random spank material have begun to pervade our culture's sexual mind. One of my biggest qualms is "pleasure-enhancing condoms." If you need itty-bitty bumps on a condom to get your girl off, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. If your monster is a goblin instead of a dragon, your girl isn't going to give a shit if you have little nubs on your fuckstick. Either learn to work that shit right or stop having sex, you small-penised ignoramus.

This isn't even the smallest concern that has emerged from our sex-crazed, yet paradoxically lazy society. No, the biggest menace to our sexual purity are anal beads. This ridiculous string of plastic balls that get shoved up your ass then pulled back out is supposed to excite random pleasures in your now-swollen rectum? Whatever happened to licking a finger and forcing it into your poop chute? You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers. If you like the artificial sensation of having plastic crammed into your ass, grab a bottle of Coke.

If you can't even use your own agile, dexterous fingers to tickle someone's asshole, you don't deserve to have sexual contact with any species. Even the most fucktarded person alive with a sense of motor control above a retard with a rampant case of quivering autism can manipulate their digits enough to render anal beads unnecessary.

Our fast-food binging, couch potato, TV-dinner-monging society has forgotten the simple pleasure of having a finger rammed into their anus. I suggest a purist rediscover just how good a down-and-dirty, unprotected, nubless fuck can be. Revive the subtle art of manipulating a prostate with your tongue. Revive the true spirit of hardcore sex as it was meant to be: various phalanges jammed into every hole.