Mental Discharge
Mental Discharge
  • Log In or Sign UpGet more content, post comments, and achieve things with an MD account.
Missionary Disposition

Anal Beads are for Fat, Lazy, Stupid People

You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers.

  • Share on Twitter or XShare a link to this article on your Twitter (or X or whatever Elon is calling it) feed.
  • Share on FacebookShare a link to this article on your Facebook feed.
  • Submit to RedditPost the URL to this article on Reddit.
  • Send to a Friend or EnemySend a link to this article to a friend or enemy via your e-mail client.
  • 3
    Jump to CommentsJump down to the comments of this article.

It's become a startling fact that people these days are too lazy to regard sex with even the slightest bit of effort. Toys, aids, and random spank material have begun to pervade our culture's sexual mind. One of my biggest qualms is "pleasure-enhancing condoms." If you need itty-bitty bumps on a condom to get your girl off, you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. If your monster is a goblin instead of a dragon, your girl isn't going to give a shit if you have little nubs on your fuckstick. Either learn to work that shit right or stop having sex, you small-penised ignoramus.

But that isn't even the smallest concern that has emerged from our sex-crazed, yet paradoxically lazy society. No, the biggest menace to our sexual purity is anal beads. Anal beads are a string of plastic balls that get shoved up your ass then pulled back out, which is supposed to excite random pleasures in your now-swollen rectum. Whatever happened to licking a finger and forcing it into your poopchute? You like big beads? Use two fucking fingers. If you like the artificial sensation of having plastic crammed into your ass, grab a bottle of Coke.

Anal Beads

Tough to effectively insert all beads into anus in a straight line. Not washer machine safe. Oriental art and you're a round eye.

20oz. Coke Bottle

Thin head eventually grows, expanding anus to painful contortions. Risk of explosion. Not caffiene free.

Your Fingers

5 attachments, adjustable positioning, excellent control through motor functions connected via nervous system.

If you can't even use your own agile, dexterous fingers to tickle someone's asshole, you don't deserve to have sexual contact with any species. Even the most fucktarded person alive with a sense of motor control above a retard with a rampant case of quivering autism can manipulate their digits enough to render anal beads unnecessary.

Our fast-food binging, couch potato, TV-dinner-monging society has forgotten the simple pleasure of having a finger rammed into their anus. I suggest a purist rediscover just how good a down-and-dirty, unprotected, nubless fuck can be. Revive the subtle art of manipulating a prostate with your tongue. Revive the true spirit of hardcore sex as it was meant to be: various phalanges jammed into every hole.

More Discharge

Sell Me Your Product, Then Promptly Shut the Fuck Up

03.26.2023

Corporations seem to think they need to hold my hand and tell me how to live when all I want to do is buy their crap.

Promote an Open Business With Anti-Mandate Entry Signs

01.23.2022

Let patrons of your business know they can feel safe inside your establishment from the tyrannical posturing of worthless politicians.

MSNBC

I Think MSNBC Has Turned Me Into a Super Gay Racist

12.01.2021

The constant badgering about how horrible I am for simply existing has finally made me change my ways.

The Concord Research Group Racism Measurement Test

03.28.2021

Take our specifically formulated and carefully constructed test that analyzes, scores, and rates your level of racism.

3 Comments

  • Newest
    Newest FirstShow the newest comments first.
  • Oldest
    Oldest FirstShow the oldest comments first.
  • Best
    Best FirstShow the highest voted comments first.
  • Chapstick4AnusIM THE COCKIE MONSTER
    08.13.2023
    • 1
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this fantastic comment up.
    • 0
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this shitty comment down.
    • 1

    Tis makes me pucker for more fingers in me eject button.

  • 02.13.2011
    • 0
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this fantastic comment up.
    • 0
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this shitty comment down.
    • 0

    You sir, deserve a hug.

    Or at least a high-five.

    Actually, I think I'll just stand back here and consider you with high regard.

    Good work anyways!

  • 12.12.2010
    • 2
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this fantastic comment up.
    • 0
      Log In to VoteLog into your MD account to vote this shitty comment down.
    • 2

    Do you know how much fucking work it takes to use anal beads? It's damn near impossible to insert them in a straight line, especially when he's quivering like a scared puppy as you're jamming them in his balloon knot.

    I mean her.

Want to contribute your drivel?

Log in or create an account. It's quick, easy, and only costs you a little dignity.

Sign In

Welcome back to Mental Discharge. We missed you. Enter your account credentials to jump back into the frey.

Forgot Password?

Don't have an account? Sign up!

Create Account

A Mental Discharge membership account is free and gives you access to community features.

Creating and activating your account indicates you have read and fully agree with the terms of use.

Reset Password

Forget your password? It happens to the best of us and also you. Enter your e-mail address below and we'll send you a link that'll reset your password.

Remember it all of a sudden? Sign in!