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The Hood

Howdy There, Shitty Neighbor!

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Social communities have existed for thousands of years, shaped by industry and politics that eventually transformed them into the modern neighborhoods of today. However, these neighborhoods didn't develop without their faults. From the earliest settlements of the past to modern gated communities buried deep in concrete jungles, every neighborhood has one constant plaguing them all: the shitty neighbor.

Shitty neighbors exist in many different forms ranging from harmless passive aggressive complainers to renters bent on nothing but total destruction. Try as one might, shitty neighbors are an uncurable blister on most communities and virtually impossible to avoid. We explore common shitty neighbors and the experiences their neighborhoods have not had the pleasure to be a part of.

The Zoo-Keeper

The Zoo-Keeper is the proud owner of one or more dogs that can never remain silent. Ever. Whether it's a cloud passing through the sky, a bird landing on a fence, or the scent of broken wind breezing past its nose, at least one annoying mutt will bark continuously without reprieve. You'll wonder why your neighbor even owns an animal, seeing as how they never take it for walks, play with it, discipline it, or train it to behave. You'll politely ask your neighbor multiple times to quiet their neglected companion with no success. Eventually, you'll be forced to get the Humane Society involved if someone else hasn't already fed the poor pooch some doggy treats mixed with pieces of sponge.

The Mechanic

The Mechanic runs an automotive repair shop out of their home garage. You'll question the experience and reliability of their trade from seeing the same four vehicles always parked in the driveway and along the street. The monotonous and irritating sounds of engines revving will fill the night sky every weekend as your neighbor attempts to improve the power output of a vehicle that can't legally drive on pavement. They'll never seem to complete an actual repair, though. Simple jobs such as bulb replacements will go unfinished for days. However, these lengthy turnaround times won't stop customers from stopping by for a two-week oil change. After all, your neighbor isn't going to let three DUIs and an ankle monitor get in the way of their dreams.

The Grumpy Old Fart

The Grumpy Old Fart will constantly contest every single imperfection of your property. The instant a shingle falls off your roof, a discolored leaf rests comfortably on your lawn, or you leave your garage door open for more than 30 seconds, your neighbor will instantly arrive to whine, bitch, and complain about your numerous HOA violations. Thankfully, this neighbor will be an instant guide to help you resolve the issue, stating each paragraph and subparagraph of the item in infringement either by memory or having a copy of the necessary documents in hand. However, no matter what steps you take to make things right, you'll never manage to get on their good side.

The Color-Blind Artist

The Color-Blind Artist has painted their entire house with two or more contrasting colors. While you and everyone else in the neighborhood share dissatisfaction with the detestable color choices used, the neighbor will take pride in their horrible work. They'll delight in the beauty that is purple and yellow, red and blue, or brown and green. You'll plead for Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg to show up with a surprise announcement they've brought back Punk'd, but days will become weeks and weeks will become months, and you'll wonder what that crazy bitch did to talk her husband into making their house look like it belongs in CandyLand.

The Children of the Cunt

The Children of the Cunt is made up of a utopian community of future morons. This neighbor has a multitude of children with several fathers unbeknownst to both her and them. As such, the household doubles as an unlicensed daycare that manages activities by screaming over a television set blaring an episode of Judge Joe Brown. You'll painfully absorb the screams of crying children as they exhibit social skills as proficient as a monkey throwing feces while vandalizing everything in their path. You'd very much like to resolve your discontent through mature, diplomatic dialogue, but the neighbor will only respond if you're equipped with narcotics and cigarettes or retain a position with Child Welfare Services.

The Quarreling Lovers

The Quarreling Lovers receive constant visits by the local police department. Not a week goes by that law enforcement doesn't play the role of Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, or Jerry Springer. You'll take a front row seat as the drama unfolds in your neighbor's front yard. Did the husband really put those red marks on her neck out of anger or was it merely to restrain her while he kindly removed a couple of her teeth? Does it really count as cheating if the wife wasn't sleeping with a random stranger, but her own cousin? Stay tuned to find out because you'll be getting a brand new episode the following week when true love drops the charges and their insignificant other posts bail.

The Collector

The Collector has an affinity for decorating their property with every possible yard ornament available at Home Depot. Without giving it a second thought, nor a first one, they proudly display their huge array of garbage to the public. Every square inch of their front yard is real estate that's just begging to be occupied by plastic junk made in China. Many people will pass by thinking a garage sale is underway, but they'll be sorely mistaken. Sorry, the gnomes in the garden, the assorted flock of pink flamingos, and the rusty mine cart filled with weeds are not for purchase. While your neighbor will savor a sense of purpose in decorating their property, you won't enjoy the devaluation of yours.

The Noisy Douche

The Noisy Douche has an insatiable talent for the liberation of chaos. Whether they're involved in a musical ensemble that has never performed at a public venue, gathering the crew to share both a literal and figurative 8-ball, or are building a time machine in the garage, this neighbor is completely incapable of producing anything other than racket. Their guests will be equally intolerable, supplementing their car horn for a doorbell, parking in the front yard, and sharing their moronic banter at a volume everyone on the block can enjoy. Confronting the neighbor will only solve the problem temporarily as their short-lived attention span won't retain any memory beyond an entire week.

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  • 12.12.2010
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    Digging the pixel art on these babies, even if my house has been clearly depicted in "The Noisy Douche."

  • 07.23.2009
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    Good stuff, this is why MD is such a Great Web Site - you'll never see in depth humanities articles like this on MSN or any of the other main stream sites.
    Glad I didn't find myself listed. I'm the guy in the neighborhood hey call - "Mr. Leave me the Fuck Alone and don't ever ask to borrow any of my shit."

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