Mental Discharge
Mental Discharge
  • Log In or Sign UpGet more content, post comments, and achieve things with an MD account.
The Dork Squad

CockBlocker™ Revolutionizes Online Dating

Cut through the artifice and get the real story on Mr. Right.

  • Share on Twitter or XShare a link to this article on your Twitter (or X or whatever Elon is calling it) feed.
  • Share on FacebookShare a link to this article on your Facebook feed.
  • Submit to RedditPost the URL to this article on Reddit.
  • Send to a Friend or EnemySend a link to this article to a friend or enemy via your e-mail client.
  • 0
    Jump to CommentsJump down to the comments of this article.

When Amanda Stevens heard about online dating in early 1999, the 27 year-old graphics designer says she swore off the singles bar scene forever. But after four years of bad dates and dishonest relationships, the Oxnard, California native says she was close to swearing off dating forever.

That is, until she picked up Symantec's new CockBlocker™ Security Suite.

"When I started using online dating services like, I was so excited. Months earlier I was spending $30 a night on cocktails and dropping hundreds of dollars on expensive outfits, just waiting for a nice lawyer or NBA superstar to chat me up and take me home," Stevens said. "With Internet dating, I can surf for singles in my bathrobe, but finding the right guy just hasn't gotten easier."

The Ultimate Online Dating Security Software

The Ultimate Online Dating Security Software

Symantec CockBlocker 2003

Amanda claims that out of the 47 Internet potentials she contacted and dated, none of them were what they claimed to be.

"You'd have guys claiming to look like Freddie Prinze Jr., when they'd really look like Freddy Krueger," Stevens said. "One guy I met claimed that people likened him to Tom Cruise. Turns out it's because he's a 5'4" closet homosexual."

Once installed, Symantec's CockBlocker™ allows users to input up to three dating profiles at a time. The software then takes any additional information about the potential suitor, including AIM name, ICQ number and zip code, and scours the Web looking for more details about that person.

Lying about your looks is tough offline, even in the darkest, smokiest bar. On the Internet, less than honest thrill seekers encounter no such problems. A few clicks on a simple form from can turn an obese homemaker into Tyra Banks, complete with doctored photos. These services rely on the honor system in a medium increasingly frequented by people trying to escape their normal lives.

One guy I met claimed that people likened him to Tom Cruise. Turns out it's because he’s a 5’4” closet homosexual.

CockBlocker™ cuts through the artifice, "spidering" through link after link associated with a person or screen name in question until it comes up with a detailed report on its subject. Any pictures, personal Web pages, arrest warrants and resumes associated with the person come up at the touch of a button, allowing online matchmakers to get the real story on Mr. Right.

"I don't know how I ever dated without CockBlocker," Stevens said. "I've exposed convenience store clerks pretending to be high priced lawyers and old men masquerading as Boy Scouts. I was pretty interested in this one guy called DragonDude2019 until CockBlocker told me he got fired from the San Diego Zoo for 'lewd and inappropriate conduct' in the reptile house."

Normally, Stevens says her friends would weed out the losers and the low-lifes from the dance clubs she attended. Online, though, Stevens was flying solo.

"When we at the bar, don't nobody get near [Amanda] if he don't look like Mr. Right," said Shamilla Clark, longtime friend and self-described dating goddess. "One time we thought this guy was cute because he looked like a grownup Fred Savage, you know, from the Wonder Years? Turns out, he was Fred Savage. We ain't having none of that."

Sensing a need to incorporate the 'buddy system' into a personal computer, programmers at Symantec, authors of the popular Norton Antivirus and Systemworks software, began working on dating software that would "bring truth to the table," according to Linda Stover, Vice President of Marketing.

"When singles hit the dating scene in real life, they've already got a very important filter screening out unattractive, undesirable partners and their friends," Stover said. "But with online dating, singles are on their own to separate fact from fiction. There's a gap the size of the Grand Canyon out there, and our new CockBlocker software fills it."

"The Internet is a fantasy land, and that's a problem for people seeking real, honest relationships," Stover continued. "Our CockBlocker software acts like your own private detective, checking the facts and chucking the chumps."

  • Scroll with the mousewheel

  • Swipe left or right

  • Scroll with left/right keys

More Discharge

Thanks for Ruining Jennifer Lawrence, Mr. iCloud Hacker Guy


Jennifer Lawrence and her fellow celebrities aren't the only victims of this devastating attack on privacy.

Meet Your YouTube Commenters


Now that your video has been featured on the main page, let's meet your YouTube commenters.

My New Robot Can’t Fucking Kill Anybody


Disappointment looms over the inability of AIBO to hunt manflesh.

Antonio Rosario

The 411 on Nigeria 419


If you can't trust an alleged Nigerian government official, who can you trust?


  • No comments posted.

    Don't be shy. Be the first to post a comment here.

Want to contribute your drivel?

Log in or create an account. It's quick, easy, and only costs you a little dignity.

Sign In

Welcome back to Mental Discharge. We missed you. Enter your account credentials to jump back into the frey.

Forgot Password?

Don't have an account? Sign up!

Create Account

A Mental Discharge membership account is free and gives you access to community features.

Creating and activating your account indicates you have read and fully agree with the terms of use.

Reset Password

Forget your password? It happens to the best of us and also you. Enter your e-mail address below and we'll send you a link that'll reset your password.

Remember it all of a sudden? Sign in!