The Official Guide to IRC L4m0rs

Whether it's a small backwoods server capped at ten users or a massive network spanning countries around the world, all IRC servers share one universal constant: l4m0rs.

No matter where you chat, you are doomed to coexist with a feral underclass of users whose presence serves no purpose beyond brainless commentary, malformed sentences, a desperate need for attention, or just flooding the channel. For the weary ops and long-suffering IRCops tasked with keeping communities intact, Mental Discharge offers this IRC l4m0r guide, a brutally necessary field reference for identifying, categorizing, and mentally blacklisting these nuisances.

Tighten your grip on the k-line, brace for a netsplit-induced migraine, and prepare yourself as we descend screaming into the IRC l4m0rdex. There are currently 31 different types of l4m0rs that inhabit IRC. Some are several types in one, so be on alert for combined characteristics.

Revolving Door L4m0r
This particular type of l4m0r seems to think that entering and exiting the channel repeatedly is a way to increase their popularity.

The Counting L4m0r
This l4m0r has just learned his numbers up through ten and will generously attempt to share the experience with you. To reinforce his ecstasy, he will attempt to get you to count along with him.

The Webmaster
This l4m0r's mad HTML skillz means everyone must gawk at the wonder that he created. His only problem is convincing everyone that the best website resides on Angelfire.

Default Man
Most of the larger IRC servers on the net have a Java applet that those people without an IRC client can use to connect to the server without downloading one. Most have default nicks such as Change_Me that imply that they should be changed before connecting. Some l4m0rs just don't quite get this, though. Maybe if we changed the default nick to I_SUCK.

The Chanwhore
She's giving up looking for real life love and now is just looking to cyber with anything on the net, including men, women, and maybe even a cat who just happened to jump on a keyboard.

The Angry Poseidon
This l4m0r is sitting on a lot of rage and will repeatedly express it to the channel, often several times within a matter of seconds, in a flood.

Brave New World Refugee
This is a Bokanovskified refugee from Aldous Huxley's novel and will attempt to fill the void in his life where his countless identical twins used to reside with copies of himself. This l4m0r often attempts to reinforce ideas of ambiguity by using the Java default nick.

KING OF CAPS LOCK
This l4m0r believes that his intelligence is directly proportional to the number of capital letters he uses.

Psychic Hotline Addict
This type of l4m0r is named such because they're so gullible they actually believe that fake Jamaican woman on TV can see their future by an over-the-phone tarot reading. Consequently, they will fall for any rumor out there.

Bold & Color Whores
Yes, this l4m0r only speaks in color, using various foreground and background montages or bold characters to further enhance their text. Their determination is so obsessive, they're desperate to get you to see their words.

Frequent Flyer
This type of l4m0r gets a lot of airtime, because after he is kicked the first time, he comes back to bitch about it.

Captain Calculus
This type of l4m0r attempts to supplement the English language with random numbers in attempts to improve efficiency.

Leisure Suit Larry
Upon entering the channel, the first thing this type of l4m0r will inquire about is the presence of the opposite sex.

Cave Dweller
This type of l4m0r is always the last to know something. Usually, it's something quite obvious. Their faked intelligence, however, is easily seen through.

Shinji Ikari
This type of l4m0r continually bemoans the fact that no one likes them, or thinks the channel is interested in hearing about their personal life. If they are kicked for being a complete annoyance, they threaten suicide. They also think that by threatening to leave the channel, people will pity them. An easy way to spot this lam0r is to look for a |Sad or something akin to it after their nicks.

Level 13 Dark Wizard
These l4m0rs mistook the IRC Newbie Help channel for the Dungeons and Dragons channel around the block, so they attempt to role-play there instead.

More |337 Than Thou & MUCH More |337 Than Thou
A More |337 Than Thou l4m0r thinks they can get away with telling an Op or Admin to "eat shit" or "fuck off." A MUCH More |337 Than Thou l4m0r will rejoin the channel with an incredulous attitude and bitch about being kicked for no reason.

Napoleon
This type of l4m0r is in love with a quick rise to power. If their request is refused, this l4m0r will sometimes threaten to do bodily harm to themselves. Of course, this is a preferable option, over the other option of them wetting their pants at actually getting ops.

Caffieneaholic
Apparently this l4m0r has a nervous twitch in their hand, because they cannot seem to stop hitting their punctuation keys at the end of a sentence.

Trowa Barton
These lam0rs think the best way to say something is to say nothing at all. This wouldn't be so bad, except they verbalize their nothingness.

Decoy Octopus
This type of l4m0r thinks that by simply changing their identity, they can completely change who they are without the rest of us knowing.

ASCII Picasso
This type of l4m0r wants to be a modernistic graphic artist when he grows up, so he practices his skills whenever possible. Unfortunately, not many people pay for pictures of Kirby or a lightsaber. And absolutely no one wants to see ASCII porn.

Ph.D.
This l4m0r believes in the omnipotence of their knowledge about any subject, but when ever asked about something related to that knowledge, they shy away from answering it.

Whisper Kid
This type of l4m0r never talks in the channel. They just PM everyone with weird shit until they get kicked.

Stalker
This l4m0r wants to know just who everyone is so they can send a letter bomb to their house, because the first thing they do when they enter the channel is an A/S/L check.

Army Recruiting Officer
This l4m0r will do just about anything possible to get you to join their channel or message board.

The Little L4m0r That Could
This l4m0r does not believe in giving up, no matter what. They'll get banned for something, wait a week until the banlist is cleared, and immediately come back to confront the person who banned them. They'll demand an explanation and expect the op to remember who they were and why they were banned.

My Brother's Keeper
No matter what happens, this l4m0r will blame every single thing in the world on his "brother beside him at the computer."

Master of the Obvious
This type of l4m0r thinks everything they say, even the most blatant things in the world, should be treated like they're coming from the mouth of Stephen Hawking.

The Brave Wuss
This type of l4m0r will take a potshot at ops and then immediately part before he is kicked.

An AOL User
America Online users seem to believe that IRC channels operate in the same manner as a chat room on AOL, unmoderated and completely open for abuse. Eventually, they become extremely dumbfounded when they discover that ops exist and that talking like a thug and threatening people is completely unimpressive.

While l4m0rs exist in great numbers and can be extremely dangerous, especially given their tendency to combine with a l4m0r of another type, combating them is extremely simple. They can be defeated by using the /ignore command, giving you complete peace and quiet, unless you happen to be using a Java client.

Then again, if you're using a Java client, you're probably already on this list.