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Who Farted

Fartistic Anatomies

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The human fart is a natural, biological function that transcends all cultures, races, and backgrounds. It is a daily occurrence with no conformity to social standards. Whether it's Muhammed's khamr about to haram the seat of his pants, Sato's noodle recipe committing seppuku in the washlet, or Kevin's soft serve indulgence about to serve up something softer, farts are a hilarious and enjoyable event among friends and family.

Regardless of a fart's intent, there are multiple types that each have their own distinction. Many farts are an innocent transgression; the mere breaking of wind. Others can be more menacing; a violent release from the evil depths of the colon. If you've ever been curious as to the different types of gaseous emanations that have crept up your backside, Fartistic Anatomies has the answers.

Each fart type is illustrated in an easy-to-understand format. Is Grandpa warming up the couch after a hearty TV dinner? Has Tommy been cutting the cheese without a knife? Reference this guide to get the straight dope on nether belching.

The Trumpet, also known as Air Pigeon, Butthole Blowout, Carpet Creeper, Fanny Beep, Flabbergaster, and Morning Thunder, proudly takes the crown as the quintessential flatulence encounter. Its melodic note resembles a majestic trumpet, expertly serenading surfaces such as chairs or couches. The Trumpet emits a modestly displeasing fragrance, wandering within a reasonably confined area. While the maestro of this symphony remains blissfully unaffected, it becomes a daunting task to identify the culprit of such harmonious barking spiders amidst a crowd of innocent bystanders.

The Streamer, also referred to as Aftershocks, Bunghole Buzzer, Crack Rattler, Deer Snort, Fart Combo, Trail Fart, and Putt-Putts, is akin to its harmonious counterpart, the Trumpet fart, but with a lingering presence. This flatulence gracefully accompanies movement, resembling a whimsical streamer dancing in the wind. It slithers along like a mischievous serpent, leaving no one nearby unscathed. The Streamer also boasts a delightful ensemble of supplementary farts, making it a true symphony of posterior acoustics.

The Gift Giver is a special kind of flatulence that bestows its aroma upon an unsuspecting object, granting it the honor of carrying the original scent. Only the mightiest of farts earn this prestigious title as the object must possess the ability to retain its robust scent, as if it had unleashed the emission itself. To accomplish this aromatic feat, one must summon forth a forceful eviction from the darkest depths of their being, employing their muscles with vigorous strength to infuse the very essence of the object. Once a Gift Giver has enveloped said object, it is customary to present it to a neighbor or nearby friend, offering them an olfactory surprise.

The Pisser, alternatively referred to as the Belching Clown, Boomper Letters, Brownster, Chunder, Fing, Squib, and Zephyr, is a unique phenomenon in the world of bodily emissions. Unlike a traditional fart, this peculiar event occurs in reverse. While the gas resides within the confines of the intestines, it resists the urge to make its grand exit. However, by exerting excessive pressure on the bowels in a valiant attempt to expel it, one inadvertently triggers the urethra instead, leading to the unfortunate accident of urination. In certain instances, a meager fart may accompany this spectacle, but the ultimate outcome remains a substantial leak from the front end.

The Hot Wind, fondly recognized as the Wet Fart, Beaver Leaver, Bubblers, Desert Varnish, Hershey Smoke, Nuée Ardent, Smelly Jelly, and Trouser Cough, is a fart that possesses an unsuspected potency, even to its own creator. This mighty detonation resonates with the sound and aroma typically associated with a complete bowel movement, yet its full delivery is abruptly cut short. The farter is caught off guard, gasping in astonishment at the unexpected odor, frantically inspecting for any signs of an expulsion. Fortunately, the Hot Wind manages to toe the line between passing gas and passing stool, sparing its creator from any further embarrassment.

The Torpedo, famously recognized as Blow-By, Brown Speckled Mallard, Chou Pi, Hershey Splert, Ringtailed Roarer, and Surprise, represents the unfortunate consequence of holding it in for far too long. Unlike its predecessor the Hot Wind, the Torpedo not only unleashes a thunderous gaseous explosion, but also propels forth the very feces responsible for it. The distinctive aspect lies in the fact that the farter had no intention of actually shitting their pants, nor maintained proximity to a nearby toilet for its proper disposal. The Torpedo becomes a moment of tremendous embarrassment and recovering from such an event entails a prolonged and agonizing process.

The Dutch Oven, affectionately referred to as the Sheet Fluffer, Pop Off, Thunder in the Buns, Ripship, Pop Tarts, and Fanny Bubble, is a clever technique that prolongs the life of a fart by capturing it within the confines of an artificial atmosphere beneath the bedsheets. This sealed space effectively preserves the aroma, ensuring it remains warm and contained. Once the "oven" reaches the ideal preheated state, one may invite a friend to experience the full effect by forcing them inside to marinate.

The Dark Matter, also feared by terms such as Backblast, Booty Bomb, Death Poot, Eggy Whiffo, Flaming Cornhole, Purple Clouds, and Silent But Deadly, reigns supreme as the epitome of destructive, odious power in the world of flatulence. It arrives without warning—no audible cues or initial breeze to alert its unsuspecting victims. The farter won't provide any foreknowledge of the impending apocalypse. The Dark Matter wields such formidable might that it has the potential to incapacitate a small gathering of individuals, inducing bouts of nausea and rendering them unconscious in its wake.

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  • 12.12.2010
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    Ever perform a Dutch Oven on your own kids? I highly recommend it.

  • 01.22.2009
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    This was the first article I read on MD in 2002. It is still as funny as nice warm shart at work.
    The "gift giver" is my favorite but my wifes likes to fire up the "dutch oven" every chance she can get.
    Lastly, I hope to leave "the Dark Matter" on my death bed... I just think my loved ones will remember me better if I do.

    Nice work Steve.

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