Fartistic Anatomies

Farts are a daily function of the human body that transcend all cultures, races, and backgrounds. It's an occurrence with no conformity to social standards. Whether it's Muhammed's khamr about to haram the seat of his pants, Sato's noodle recipe committing digestive seppuku in the washlet, or Kevin's soft serve indulgence about to serve up something softer, farts are a hilarious and enjoyable event among friends and family. If you've ever been curious as to the different types of gaseous deployments that have crept up your backside, Fartistic Anatomies has the answers.

Each fart type is illustrated in an easy-to-understand format. Is Grandpa warming up the couch after a hearty TV dinner? Has Tommy been cutting the cheese without a knife? Reference this guide to get the straight dope on nether belching.

The Trumpet

Anyone within a 20ft. radius may catch an audible glimpse of the Trumpet.

The odor of a Trumpet fart is detectable, but not strong enough to cause any immediate harm.

In a public setting, the Trumpet fart will go ignored by the surrounding audience to minimize misdirected embarrassment.

The Trumpet, also known as Air Pigeon, Butthole Blowout, Carpet Creeper, Fanny Beep, Flabbergaster, and Morning Thunder, is the most common fart experience. The sound is much like a trumpet when properly released between a freshly shaved set of cheeks, producing a moderately unpleasant smell that floats about within a fairly confined area. Although the person responsible for releasing the Trumpet fart tends to be immune to its effects, it can be difficult in close proximity to others to determine the real culprit behind those barking spiders.

The Streamer

The Streamer is much louder than its predecessor and repeated smaller farts that follow typically linger longer.

While the odor from the Streamer is incredibly potent, the strength of the stench decreases towards the end of the tail.

The larger audience a Streamer captures, the more those around you will avoid its deadly path.

The Streamer, also known as Aftershocks, Bunghole Buzzer, Crack Rattler, Deer Snort, Fart Combo, Trail Fart, and Putt-Putts, is much like a Trumpet fart, but doesn't detach from the posterior nearly as quickly. The fart remains connected to its owner, carried during movement much like a streamer in the wind. It trails along like a snake, inescapable by anyone unfortunate enough to cross its path. The Streamer also consists of a collection of smaller, additional farts that offer a one-two punch for those not quick enough to get out of the way.

The Gift Giver

The Gift Giver requires powerful thrusting force and easily grabs the attention of anyone who witnesses its extreme power.

The odor is applied to any object, such as a pillow, and causes it to emit the stench as if the object itself has a fully functional digestive system.

Give the tainted object to a nearby friend or enemy and instantly ruin their day with a foul scent of terror.

The Gift Giver emanates from an object subjected to the original fart. Only powerful farts can be crowned the title of the Gift Giver as the object in question must be able to retain enough of the scent as if it itself just farted. The fart must be released using powerful muscle strength and deployed deep into the object's molecular structure. Once a Gift Giver has been successfully deployed, offer the tainted object to a neighbor or nearby friend as a surprise.

The Pisser

As a result of clogged plumbing or the possible development of a hernia, the forced energy stimulates the urethra.

Due to the unsuccessful emission of a complete fart, only a small sound will barely escape the crevice of the buttocks.

The only person who will notice you pissed your pants instead of releasing the hounds is hopefully you.

The Pisser, also known as the Belching Clown, Boomper Letters, Brownster, Chunder, Fing, Squib, and Zephyr, is an inverse fart. While the gaseous mass still exists inside the intestines, it is not quite ready to be released. By overexerting muscles in the bowels in an attempt to force it out, you instead stimulate your urethra and cause yourself to piss your pants. In certain cases, a small fart emission may occur, but a massive leak from the front end is still the final result.

The Hot Wind

The loud, powerful, audible blast emitting from your rear will make you ponder the possibility you may have actually shit your pants.

The incredible pollution forthwith will immediately fill a large room in mere seconds.

The dumbfounded look on your face at the realization that you didn't burn a loaf will remain a shock to all who witnessed it.

The Hot Wind, also known as Wet Fart, Beaver Leaver, Bubblers, Desert Varnish, Hershey Smoke, Nuée Ardent, Smelly Jelly, and Trouser Cough, is a fart which has power unbeknownst to its creator. While the massive blast has the sound and odor consistent with complete bowel release, the delivery is cut short with no actual matter emission. The farter will gasp in surprise as a result of the odor while checking for expulsion. Luckily, a Hot Wind doesn't quite cross that dangerous line.

The Torpedo

The violent noise caused by a Torpedo is loud enough to be perceived even by those without hearing.

The odor is extremely dangerous as a result of the combined gas and fecal matter being violently ejected.

The embarrassment of a bowel movement at your feet will easily clear out a small population, non-refundable deposit be damned.

The Torpedo, also known as Blow-By, Brown Speckled Mallard, Chou Pi, Hershey Splert, Ringtailed Roarer, and Surprise, is the unfortunate aftermath of a Hot Wind where the line was crossed. A Torpedo not only emits an extremely loud, putrid fart, but expels the excrement with it. While this normally would be considered taking a shit, it differs from the fact the farter was not intending on doing so, nor was near a proper receptacle to deliver it. The Torpedo is a tremendous embarrassment and the recovery process is long and arduous.

The Dutch Oven

The sound of the fart is somewhat muffled by its release within a controlled atmosphere.

The odor is sealed beneath the sheets and is only detectable if a breach is made or another party is trapped inside.

No one outside will witness the power of the fart so long as it is safely contained. Thicker comforters maintain heat and smell.

The Dutch Oven, also known as the Sheet Fluffer, Pop Off, Thunder in the Buns, Ripship, Pop Tarts, and Fanny Bubble is a fart given extended longevity by containing it inside a fabric sheet. The sealed area helps safely retain the fart, keeping it nice and toasty. Once at the correct preheated temperature, stick a friend inside and let them bake for a few minutes to officially complete the Dutch Oven.

The Dark Matter

The enormous and malevolent Dark Matter explosion makes no sound, giving victims no warning.

The devastation caused by a Dark Matter fart can't be quantified.

Its awesome power competes with Mother Nature herself, nothing able to withstand the frighteningly potent scent that lies in its wake.

The Dark Matter, also known as Backblast, Booty Bomb, Death Poot, Eggy Whiffo, Flaming Cornhole, Purple Clouds, and Silent But Deadly, is the most destructive fart known to man. There is no noise; you will not be forewarned of an incoming bowel odor. You will feel no wind and the farter will not inform you of your upcoming demise. The Dark Matter is powerful enough to take out a small group of people, likely resulting in vomiting or unconsciousness.