Fartistic Anatomies

Farts are a daily function of the human body that transcend all cultures, races, and backgrounds. Whether it's Muhammed's khamr about to haram the seat of his pants, Sato's noodle recipe committing digestive seppuku in the washlet, or Kevin's soft serve indulgence about to serve up something softer, farts are a hilarious and universally shared experience among friends and family. If you've ever been curious about the different types of gaseous deployments that have crept out of your backside, Fartistic Anatomies has the answers.

Each fart type is illustrated in an easy-to-understand format. Is Grandpa warming up the couch after a hearty TV dinner? Has Tommy been cutting the cheese without a knife? Reference this guide to get the straight dope on nether belching.

The Trumpet

Anyone within a 20ft. radius can catch an audible glimpse of the Trumpet.

The odor of a Trumpet fart is detectable, but not strong enough to cause any permanent damage.

In a public setting, the Trumpet fart may go ignored by the surrounding audience to minimize misdirected blame.

The Trumpet, also known as Air Pigeon, Butthole Blowout, Carpet Creeper, Fanny Beep, Flabbergaster, and Morning Thunder, is the most common fart experience. When properly released between a freshly shaved set of cheeks, it sounds much like a trumpet and produces a moderately unpleasant smell that lingers within a fairly confined area. Although the person responsible for releasing the Trumpet tends to be immune to its effects, it can be difficult in close quarters to determine the true culprit behind those barking spiders.

The Streamer

The Streamer is much louder than its predecessor and repeated smaller farts that follow typically linger.

While the odor from the Streamer is incredibly potent, the strength of the stench decreases towards the end of the tail.

The larger audience a Streamer captures, the more those around you will avoid its deadly path.

The Streamer, also known as Aftershocks, Bunghole Buzzer, Crack Rattler, Deer Snort, Fart Combo, Trail Fart, and Putt-Putts, is much like a Trumpet fart, but doesn't detach from the posterior nearly as quickly. Instead, it remains connected to its owner, carried along during movement much like a streamer in the wind. It trails behind like a snake, inescapable by anyone unfortunate enough to cross its path. The Streamer also consists of a collection of smaller farts that deliver a one-two punch to anyone not quick enough to get out of the way.

The Gift Giver

The Gift Giver requires powerful thrusting force and easily grabs the attention of anyone who witnesses its power.

The odor is applied to any object, such as a pillow, and causes it to emit the stench as if the object itself has a fully functional digestive system.

Give the tainted object to a nearby friend or enemy and instantly ruin their day with a foul scent of terror.

The Gift Giver emanates from an object subjected to the original fart. Only powerful farts can earn the title, as the target in question must retain enough of the scent to smell as though the object itself just farted. The fart must be released with considerable muscle strength, enough to drive it deep into the object's molecular structure. Once a Gift Giver has been successfully deployed, offer the tainted present to a neighbor or nearby friend as a surprise.

The Pisser

As a result of clogged plumbing or the possible development of a hernia, the forced energy stimulates the urethra.

Due to the unsuccessful emission of a complete fart, only a small sound will barely escape the crevice of the buttocks.

The only person who will notice you pissed your pants instead of releasing the hounds is hopefully you.

The Pisser, also known as the Belching Clown, Boomper Letters, Brownster, Chunder, Fing, Squib, and Zephyr, is an inverse fart. While the gaseous mass still exists inside the intestines, it is not quite ready to be released. By overexerting the muscles in your bowels in an attempt to force it out, you instead stimulate the urethra and cause yourself to piss your pants. In certain cases, a small fart may escape, but a massive leak from the front end is still the final result.

The Hot Wind

The loud, powerful, audible blast emitting from your rear will make you ponder the possibility you may have actually shit your pants.

The incredible pollution forthwith will immediately fill a large room in mere seconds.

The dumbfounded look on your face at the realization that you didn't burn a loaf will remain a shock to all who witnessed it.

The Hot Wind, also known as Wet Fart, Beaver Leaver, Bubblers, Desert Varnish, Hershey Smoke, Nuée Ardent, Smelly Jelly, and Trouser Cough, is a fart whose power is unbeknownst to its creator. While the massive blast carries the sound and odor of a complete bowel release, the delivery is cut short with no actual matter emitted. The farter will gasp in surprise at the scent while quickly checking for expulsion. Luckily, a Hot Wind stops just short of crossing the brown line.

The Torpedo

The violent noise caused by a Torpedo is loud enough to be perceived even by those without hearing.

The odor is extremely dangerous as a result of the combined gas and fecal matter being violently ejected.

The embarrassment of a bowel movement at your feet will easily clear out a small population, non-refundable deposit be damned.

The Torpedo, also known as Blow-By, Brown Speckled Mallard, Chou Pi, Hershey Splert, Ringtailed Roarer, and Surprise, is the unfortunate aftermath of a Hot Wind where the line was crossed. A Torpedo not only emits an extremely loud, putrid fart, but expels excrement along with it. While this would normally be considered taking a shit, it differs in that the farter had no intention of doing so and was nowhere near a proper receptacle for delivery. The Torpedo is a tremendous embarrassment, and the recovery process is long and arduous.

The Dutch Oven

The sound of the fart is somewhat muffled by its release within a controlled atmosphere.

The odor is sealed beneath the sheets and is only detectable if a breach is made or another party is trapped inside.

No one outside will witness the power of the fart so long as it is safely contained. Thicker comforters maintain heat and smell.

The Dutch Oven, also known as the Sheet Fluffer, Pop Off, Thunder in the Buns, Ripship, Pop Tarts, and Fanny Bubble, is a fart given extended longevity by trapping it beneath a fabric sheet. The sealed area safely retains the fart, keeping it nice and toasty. Once it reaches the proper preheated temperature, stick a friend inside and let them bake for a few minutes to officially complete the Dutch Oven.

The Dark Matter

The enormous and malevolent Dark Matter explosion makes no sound, giving victims no warning.

The devastation caused by a Dark Matter fart can't be quantified.

Its awesome power competes with Mother Nature herself, nothing able to withstand the frighteningly potent scent that lies in its wake.

The Dark Matter, also known as Backblast, Booty Bomb, Death Poot, Eggy Whiffo, Flaming Cornhole, Purple Clouds, and Silent But Deadly, is the most destructive fart known to man. There is no noise; you will receive no warning of the incoming bowel odor. You will feel no wind and the farter will offer no indication of your impending demise. The Dark Matter is powerful enough to take out a small group of people, often resulting in vomiting or unconsciousness.