Fartistic Anatomies

Farts are a daily function of the human body that transcend all cultures, races, and backgrounds. Whether it's Muhammed's khamr about to haram the seat of his pants, Sato's noodle recipe committing digestive seppuku in the washlet, or Kevin's soft serve indulgence about to serve up something softer, farts are a hilarious and universally shared experience among friends and family. If you've ever been curious about the different types of gaseous deployments creeping out of your backside, Fartistic Anatomies has the answers.

Each fart type is illustrated in an easy-to-understand format. Is Grandpa warming up the couch after a hearty TV dinner? Has Tommy been cutting the cheese without a knife? Reference this guide to get the straight dope on nether belching.

The Trumpet

Anyone within a 20ft. radius will catch an audible glimpse of the Trumpet.

The odor of a Trumpet fart is minor, but strong enough to cause nasal irritation.

In a public setting, the Trumpet fart may go ignored by its audience to minimize misdirected blame.

The Trumpet, also known as Air Pigeon, Butthole Blowout, Carpet Creeper, Fanny Beep, Flabbergaster, and Morning Thunder, is the most common fart experience. When properly released between a freshly shaved set of cheeks, it sounds much like a trumpet and produces a moderately unpleasant smell. Because the person responsible for releasing the Trumpet can be immune to its effects, it may be difficult in close quarters to determine the culprit behind the barking spiders.

The Streamer

The Streamer is much louder than its predecessor and repeated smaller farts that follow typically linger.

While the odor from the Streamer is incredibly ripe, the strength of its stench decreases towards the end of the tail.

The larger audience a Streamer captures, the more those around you will escape its path of destruction.

The Streamer, also known as Aftershocks, Bunghole Buzzer, Crack Rattler, Deer Snort, Fart Combo, Trail Fart, and Putt-Putts, is much like a Trumpet fart, but doesn't detach nearly as quickly. Instead, it remains tethered to its owner as they move, whipping behind them like a flag in a strong gust. Anyone unfortunate enough to fall within its lingering reach is unlikely to escape unscathed. The Streamer also consists of a collection of smaller farts that deliver an additional one-two punch to anyone not quick enough to get out of the way.

The Gift Giver

The Gift Giver requires powerful thrusting force and easily grabs the attention of all witnesses.

The odor is applied to an object, such as a pillow, and causes it to emit the stench as if the object itself just farted.

Give the stained object to a friend or enemy and instantly ruin their day with a foul, unforgettable bouquet.

The Gift Giver emanates from an object subjected to the original fart. Only powerful farts can earn the title, as the target in question must retain enough of the scent to convincingly pass as the source. This requires considerable muscle strength, forcing the fart deep into the object's molecular structure. Once a Gift Giver has been successfully deployed, offer the tainted present to a neighbor or nearby friend as an unfortunate surprise.

The Pisser

Whether the loaf is still baking or a hernia has complicated matters, the excessive pressure stimulates the wrong end.

With the fart unable to make a full escape, only a faint squeak slips through the buttocks.

The only person who will notice you pissed yourself instead of releasing the hounds is hopefully you.

The Pisser, also known as the Belching Clown, Boomper Letters, Brownster, Chunder, Fing, Squib, and Zephyr, is an inverse fart. While the gaseous mass still exists inside the intestines, it is not quite ready to be released. By overexerting the muscles in your bowels in an attempt to force it out, you instead stimulate the urethra and cause yourself to piss your pants. In certain cases, a small fart may escape, but a leak from the front is still the final result.

The Hot Wind

The loud, powerful blast from your rear will leave you wondering if you totally shit your pants.

The incredible pollution forthwith will immediately engulf the surrounding vicinity in mere seconds.

The dumbfounded look on your face at the realization you didn't burn a loaf will be just as much of a shock to everyone else.

The Hot Wind, also known as Wet Fart, Beaver Leaver, Bubblers, Desert Varnish, Hershey Smoke, Nuée Ardent, Smelly Jelly, and Trouser Cough, is a fart whose power is unbeknownst to its creator. While the massive blast carries all the sound and odor of a complete bowel release, it stops just short of delivering the goods. The farter is left stunned by the aftermath, quickly checking to make sure nothing else actually escaped.

The Torpedo

The violent noise caused by a Torpedo is loud enough to be perceived even by those without hearing.

The resulting odor is especially lethal, combining the force of escaping gas and the unmistakable fumes of freshly launched ordnance.

A bowel movement at your feet will easily clear out a small population, along with any hope of getting back your cleaning deposit.

The Torpedo, also known as Blow-By, Brown Speckled Mallard, Chou Pi, Hershey Splert, Ringtailed Roarer, and Surprise, is the messy result of a Hot Wind that follows through. A Torpedo not only emits an extremely loud fart, but expels the payload along with it. While this is normally considered taking a shit, it differs in that the farter had no intention of doing so and was nowhere near a proper receptacle for delivery. The Torpedo is a tremendous embarrassment with a recovery process that is long and arduous.

The Dutch Oven

The sound of the fart is somewhat muffled by its release inside a tightly confined atmosphere.

The odor is sealed beneath the sheets and is only detectable by the party trapped inside.

No one outside will witness the power of the fart so long as it is safely contained. Thicker comforters maintain heat and smell.

The Dutch Oven, also known as the Sheet Fluffer, Pop Off, Thunder in the Buns, Ripship, Pop Tarts, and Fanny Bubble, is a fart given extended longevity by trapping it beneath a fabric sheet. The enclosed space prevents the gas from escaping, keeping it nice and toasty as it builds to peak intensity. Once it reaches the proper preheated temperature, stick a friend inside and let them bake for a few minutes to officially complete the Dutch Oven.

The Dark Matter

The enormous and malevolent Dark Matter explosion makes no sound, giving victims no warning.

The devastation caused by a Dark Matter fart can't be quantified.

Its awesome power competes with Mother Nature herself, nothing able to withstand the frightening scent that lies in its wake.

The Dark Matter, also known as Backblast, Booty Bomb, Death Poot, Eggy Whiffo, Flaming Cornhole, Purple Clouds, and Silent But Deadly, is the most destructive fart known to man. There is no noise; you will receive no warning of the incoming bowel odor. You will feel no wind and the farter will offer no indication of your impending demise. The Dark Matter is flatulence at its most catastrophic, powerful enough to incapacitate an entire crowd and leave behind nothing but nausea, unconsciousness, and lasting social fallout.